This blog is a result of God's work in my life and is dedicated first and foremost to Jesus, the One who gives us the wonderful blessing of children. I am in awe that He allows me to care for and disciple some of His sweet little ones! Secondly, this blog is inspired and in memory of my baby girl, Achazia Jean. Her
precious life on earth was not nearly as long as my mommy heart would have
liked, and she is in the arms of Jesus now. You might think that the rest of this post is going to be
sad, but I want to assure you, that’s NOT the case. Her story is a redeeming one and I am telling it with great
peace in my heart. I hope you will
keep reading :).
It began January 1,
2011. As I talked with God about
the upcoming year, I knew that the character He wanted to grow in my heart this
year was peace. I was to be His peaceful friend. I have always struggled with fear, and I knew God wanted me
to trust Him in a deeper way. One
of my biggest fears has always been to lose a child. I have told God this over and over through the years. I didn’t think I would be able to
survive the emotional pain of it.
In my head, I knew God would help me, but my heart didn’t trust that He
would.
God used Achazia Jean’s
life to show me He is good and faithful ALL. THE. TIME. As you read her short story, my prayer
is that her testimony of how God used my sweet baby girl to change my life will
change yours as well. I pray you
will walk away knowing God is good and faithful and that in Jesus you are loved
and safe.
Fast-forward to my
birthday. I have desired another
baby (especially a little girl) for 2.5 years. I was getting discouraged that it was taking so long, so I
was pleasantly surprised when around my birthday I had a positive pregnancy
test! I cannot express with words
the joy I felt for such an awesome answer to my prayer! God’s timing was perfect. The next couple months were very
difficult as I suffered through severe morning sickness. I am so thankful for my husband, John. He took such
good care of me!
The morning before
Thanksgiving John and I both had a dream of our baby girl. This confirmed to us
that I was in fact carrying a little girl! In John’s dream, he was holding her out in front of him and
walking forward to hand her off to someone. He said she had the most beautiful eyes with lovely, long
lashes. He kept saying over and
over to her, “You are loved. You
are safe. You are loved. You are safe.” He then awoke from his dream and told
me about it. I thought it was odd. Of course she is loved, and I hope she
is safe! I also thought it was
crazy because I too had a dream about our baby girl that morning. In my dream, she was a tiny infant, yet
she was walking and talking in full sentences. I was amazed! I
just figured the dream meant she was super smart and ahead of her time, lol.
Two weeks later I had my
o.b. appointment. When I went to
get my ultrasound, I was filled with anticipation to hear her heartbeat and get
more pictures of her cute self.
That anticipation quickly turned to tears when I noticed no movement on
the screen, and I saw the look on the face of the ultrasound tech. The baby’s body in my belly was just an
empty shell and her spirit had gone to be with Jesus. She measured her sweet, little body and told us that she had
passed away two weeks earlier.
After a comforting talk with our wonderful doctor, we got into the car
to go home. I was overcome with grief,
but then the LORD swept over me with a peace I’ve never known as He reminded me
of the dreams. I counted back the
days, and realized from the baby’s measurements that the day we had those
dreams was exactly when our little girl had passed on. Although we didn’t understand it at the
time, John was literally handing her over to the LORD, where she is loved and
safe. I’m pretty sure babies are
pretty smart and advanced in heaven from what I saw in my dream as well, lol.
Over the next week,
God’s love and comfort surrounded me in a way I didn’t know was possible. To trust that God would give me
strength and carry me through such an impossible time transferred from head
knowledge to heart knowledge. He
had not let me down. We named her
Achazia (uh-K-Z-uh) Jean Jackson because Achazia means, “the LORD holds” and
Jean means, “God is gracious,” which He is! Also, Jean is a special name in both of our families, and it
is my middle name. Since she was a
birthday present, it seemed like a perfect fit.
I can’t think of a more
wonderful thing than to be held in the arms of the LORD. I picture Him cuddling with her,
rocking her, running His fingers through her hair. I imagine she is sliding down rainbows, playing peek-a-boo
with angels and other friends and relatives already in heaven. As a mama, there is so much peace in
knowing my little Achazia is loved and safe and will never experience
pain. I, of course, miss her, but
I am blessed and so thankful that Jesus was born,
lived a perfect life, and died for you and me. I am grateful that He defeated death by rising from the grave
so that I wouldn’t have to pay the price of my sin in hell, but instead I will
be blessed to go meet my princess in glory and live forever with her in
heaven! The joy and peace I am
feeling right now is indescribable.
It is peace that transcends understanding. It doesn’t make sense, but it is real and a gift from the
LORD.
In closing, I hope the
testimony of God’s wonderful love, faithfulness and care for my family will be
imparted to each of you, and the new piece of trust in Him that has grown in my
heart will grow in yours as well.
He is God. He is good. He is faithful. You are loved, and in Him . . . you are
safe . . . just like my baby girl.
“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to
it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in
trouble.” Psalm 46:1
