I know. It's been awhile. I'm sorry! I really do feel called to this blog. I know there are other wonderful women out there that can relate to what I have gone and am going through . . . or have gone through much worse than I can imagine. I know God has asked me to walk this road with you. My absence has simply been my inability to face this blog emotionally. I have really been struggling with sadness. I have been struggling with such a deep desire to be pregnant - and discouragement with all the negative pregnancy tests. I have watched some friends have 3 and 4 babies in the time that I have been waiting for one living baby to make it to my arms. I know. I can't complain. Really, I am blessed with three healthy boys that I love so very much- I know there are so many out there that are still waiting for their first. Even though I know I am blessed, I have a deep ache inside of me that just wants to hold that baby. I desperately miss my Achazia. I struggle when my boys ask about their sister . . . and about when God will give us another baby. The Bible says, hope deferred makes the heart sick. Some days I feel like I am holding onto hope with dear life. I trust God. I trust that there are more babies in my future. But the process. Wow. That has been EXHAUSTING. A wise mentor in my life recently told me that God wanted me to not be so focused on getting pregnant that I forget to enjoy the process of getting pregnant. Those are some wise words- hard to put into practice when you're just barely hanging on- but wise nonetheless.
The one year birth date of my AJ into heaven is fast approaching. I'm going to need a lot of God's grace to hold it together. I'm sure no one but me will even remember the date, but I am going to have a birthday party for her with my little family. I'm sure her party in heaven is much cooler than anything I can muster up, but I just want to spend some time remembering her. . . I want her brothers to remember her. Ironically, the hospital where I had my D & C sent out invitations for a memorial service for all the babies lost in the last year. That service is to take place on the one year anniversary of me finding out that I had lost her. Dec. 5th. I really don't like that day! I have had a number of BAD Dec. 5ths in my life! Hopefully, this service will make this Dec. 5th a little more bearable- there will be families there who have been walking the same road this past year. I think having people that understand and are crying along with you can be healing.
So, what is really on my mind right now? Twins. I know, random change of topic. But, I have been praying for twins since I was a young girl- I just have always wanted twins. I don't know if God will answer my prayer in that area this time around- but I am hopeful. The word I got recently was "double for my trouble"- man- I know that I will be insanely excited when I do get pregnant- with 1 or more- but it really would be such a miracle I might pee my pants if I did get twins- and that peeing my pants wouldn't just be from pregnancy, lol. There have been so many dreams, words etc. I just think I would be so in awe of God. Really, any baby puts me in awe of God. But twins for us?! I can't accurately describe the road we've walked- how much we have fought and believed for them. Twins would really blow me away. A positive test right now would really blow me away!
Okay, so I don't know that this post helped anyone else out there in the blogosphere- it did help me to just empty out my heart a bit. So, now you know where I am right now- and you can join me in praying for me to enjoy the process of getting pregnant- and of course- pray that I get pregnant- soon (with TWINS:)!
I am praying for you right now too! If you are reading this- there is a good chance you have walked this road or know someone who has. Sending you hugs and God's love. Praying that God will fill your heart and we will all know that God really is enough . . . and that His grace is abundant and sufficient!
Love to you :)
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