So, today is the one year anniversary of that awful ultrasound that revealed our baby was with Jesus. I was dreading this day SOO much! But, God is good- of COURSE! He totally showed up in some unexpected ways. First off, a couple months back- I was anticipating this day with anxiety- praying that God would give me what I needed to move FORWARD. Here is how He did that for me...
1. I received an invite in the mail to go to a memorial service for all children lost in the last year at the hospital I delivered at. The date for this Christmas service? December 5th! I thought- how crazy- of all the days they could choose- they chose the one day I really needed strength and fellowship to remember and walk into a new day with joy with regards to my Achazia. I took it as a sign from God and made arrangements for a babysitter so John and I could attend. I RSVP'd with Achazia's name for the program they would hand out.
2. The next thing that I was really hoping for was that I would be pregnant before this date came- just something to help me focus on some new little one...and as you know- that came true just in time! I am horribly sick- but soo soo happy to be preggers and so thankful!
3. Right before we left for the service, my husband's best friend Bob called to talk with me. He told me he had been praying for me. He felt like God didn't want me to get pulled down in the despair of the service- but to go as a testimony of peace and joy. He said that it is time for me to move forward- Achazia is already happier than imaginable- it is time for me to be and for me to be excited about this new baby just like Achazia is- as she is probably jumping for joy about it in heaven.
4. When we arrived, I picked up a program. I noticed that Achazia's name had been left off! Someone forgot to add her. At first I was pretty bummed as I wanted to add this to her "box" of memories. But as I thought about it more, I realized God was speaking to me again. It is no longer a time of mourning. It is a time of joy! Sure, there is a time for mourning- but now is not my time. Her name not being on it brought back what Bob had told me earlier.
5. The service was beautiful. Beautiful music. People weeping over lost babies. Singing joyful Christmas songs. A beautiful tree with ornaments for each of our babies. Food and fellowship to follow. I was most struck by one thing that really broke my heart. In the program, there were three kids and a baby with the same last name- a family had lost four kids that year :( I'm not sure how- a car crash? Something. My heart ached for them. It reminded me of a story my Uncle Jeff told me last year after I lost Achazia. My aunt and uncle lost a baby girl Ashlee when she was 7 months pregnant. It was of course, devastating to them. They went to a group for grieving parents for a year to try to move forward and deal with their grief. My uncle said the turning point for him was one day when a dad who had accidentally driven over his child told his story. The man's life had fallen apart. My uncle realized how much worse it could have been. Not that what my aunt and uncle went through wasn't awful- not that what I have gone through wasn't awful- not that what you have gone through wasn't awful...but maybe it could have been so much worse?! When I saw that family who had lost four kids- I thought- oh my! It could have been worse! I could have lost Achazia, Elijah, Enoch and Zekie! I thanked God for my blessings...and I prayed for tender mercies, peace, joy and hope to fill the hearts of that family.
6. Right when I got home from the service, I received an email from the lady who put the evening together. When we stood up to say Achazia's name and put her ornament on the tree...the lady realized that she had forgotten her name in the program! She emailed me a very sweet apology and told me she was printing one up with Achazia's name on it! She mailed it to me with a very sweet card :) So, now I have one for her box- and I have the lesson from God: My day of mourning has passed! It is time to laugh and dance! For there is...
"a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance," ~ Ecclesiastes 3:2-4
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