It Must Have Been My Fault

    "It wasn't your fault."  That is just what I needed to hear- maybe you do too?  I know everything out there says this.  It isn't your fault.  I've read the miscarriage help websites.  Really, I have.  I wanted to believe it.  Unfortunately, a painful lie like that took more than just other people telling me it wasn't my fault.  No matter how much I have read or reasoned . . . there was still this nagging thought in my heart.  "I must have caused this.  Maybe God didn't think I was a good enough mom to deserve another child?  Maybe I sinned one too many times, and this was my punishment?  Maybe I took a medication I shouldn't have or ate something that did this to my baby?"  So many different thoughts.  So many different possibilities.  There MUST be a reason this happened . . . and I must be that reason.  Thank God that He can speak Truth into those dark places in my heart . . . and heal the brokenness there.  It has been 7 months since Achazia died . . . and I refuse to feel that guilt any longer.  I didn't speak about this guilt out loud . . . and God spoke to a friend about my hurt in this area.  It was crazy!  When he spoke about how God had shown him that I was blaming myself, my heart melted.  How did he know this?  My friend only knew because God knows everything.  I recognized it was a Word from the LORD simply because there is no way that my friend could have known those deep secrets of my heart.  Him speaking about it as a lie immediately healed me from the pain in my heart that was holding onto the idea that I did this to Achazia.  It was not my fault.  It is not your fault.
       Shortly after I lost Achazia, I discovered that her name not only meant "The LORD holds" but in some places it is translated as "The LORD has taken."  Who would have thought!?  I didn't know this when I named her . . . but her name fits her even better than I originally knew.  God is the one who took her.  Satan cannot take a life if God does not allow it.  God is ultimately in charge.  He gives and takes away- Blessed be His name!  I don't understand the whys of why God decided my Achazia needed to grow up in heaven instead of here.  But I do know the God behind it all.  He works ALL to the good of those who love Him.  It must have been what was best for her . . . and for me.  I WILL be changed from this.  I WILL grow closer to Him.  I WILL trust that He knows best.  I will.  I just have to . . . because I know there is no other good way.  So, trust that God is in control.  Never doubt God's love for you.  Never doubt that He has a plan- and it is a good one.  And let go of guilt if you are holding onto it.  Give it to Jesus.  He died for all of that stuff anyways.  No reason to keep it.