December 5th- Moving Forward

    So, today is the one year anniversary of that awful ultrasound that revealed our baby was with Jesus. I was dreading this day SOO much!  But, God is good- of COURSE!  He totally showed up in some unexpected ways.  First off, a couple months back- I was anticipating this day with anxiety- praying that God would give me what I needed to move FORWARD.  Here is how He did that for me...

  1.  I received an invite in the mail to go to a memorial service for all children lost in the last year at the hospital I delivered at.  The date for this Christmas service?  December 5th!  I thought- how crazy- of all the days they could choose- they chose the one day I really needed strength and fellowship to remember and walk into a new day with joy with regards to my Achazia.  I took it as a sign from God and made arrangements for a babysitter so John and I could attend.  I RSVP'd with Achazia's name for the program they would hand out.

  2.  The next thing that I was really hoping for was that I would be pregnant before this date came- just something to help me focus on some new little one...and as you know- that came true just in time!  I am horribly sick- but soo soo happy to be preggers and so thankful!

  3.  Right before we left for the service, my husband's best friend Bob called to talk with me.  He told me he had been praying for me.  He felt like God didn't want me to get pulled down in the despair of the service- but to go as a testimony of peace and joy.  He said that it is time for me to move forward- Achazia is already happier than imaginable- it is time for me to be and for me to be excited about this new baby just like Achazia is- as she is probably jumping for joy about it in heaven.

  4. When we arrived, I picked up a program.  I noticed that Achazia's name had been left off!  Someone forgot to add her.  At first I was pretty bummed as I wanted to add this to her "box" of memories.  But as I thought about it more, I realized God was speaking to me again.  It is no longer a time of mourning.  It is a time of joy!  Sure, there is a time for mourning- but now is not my time.  Her name not being on it brought back what Bob had told me earlier.

 5.  The service was beautiful.  Beautiful music.  People weeping over lost babies.  Singing joyful Christmas songs.  A beautiful tree with ornaments for each of our babies.  Food and fellowship to follow.  I was most struck by one thing that really broke my heart.  In the program, there were three kids and a baby with the same last name- a family had lost four kids that year :(  I'm not sure how- a car crash?  Something.  My heart ached for them.  It reminded me of a story my Uncle Jeff told me last year after I lost Achazia.  My aunt and uncle lost a baby girl Ashlee when she was 7 months pregnant.  It was of course, devastating to them.  They went to a group for grieving parents for a year to try to move forward and deal with their grief.  My uncle said the turning point for him was one day when a dad who had accidentally driven over his child told his story.  The man's life had fallen apart.  My uncle realized how much worse it could have been.  Not that what my aunt and uncle went through wasn't awful- not that what I have gone through wasn't awful- not that what you have gone through wasn't awful...but maybe it could have been so much worse?!  When I saw that family who had lost four kids- I thought- oh my!  It could have been worse!  I could have lost Achazia, Elijah, Enoch and Zekie!  I thanked God for my blessings...and I prayed for tender mercies, peace, joy and hope to fill the hearts of that family.

  6.   Right when I got home from the service, I received an email from the lady who put the evening together.  When we stood up to say Achazia's name and put her ornament on the tree...the lady realized that she had forgotten her name in the program!  She emailed me a very sweet apology and told me she was printing one up with Achazia's name on it!  She mailed it to me with a very sweet card :)  So, now I have one for her box- and I have the lesson from God:  My day of mourning has passed!  It is time to laugh and dance!  For there is...

"a time to be born and a time to die,
  a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³   a time to kill and a time to heal,
  a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴   a time to weep and a time to laugh,
  a time to mourn and a time to dance," ~ Ecclesiastes 3:2-4

Hope and Redemption

     Hi friends.  I wanted to write this post to encourage those out there who have struggled with wanting to have a baby and have had a difficult time getting pregnant (my story).  I have desired to be pregnant for 3.5 years now- and it feels even longer.  In my "plans" my kids would be spaced out somewhere between 18 months and 2.5 years- no more.  Well, that hasn't exactly happened!  After what felt like forever, I finally got pregnant last year- only to lose our sweet Achazia- hence this blog.  Since our loss last year, I have had good moments and bad- but all the time wishing, hoping and praying to get pregnant again.  I am so thankful for Achazia- and I can't wait to meet her one day.  But I desperately want a baby I can hold and cuddle with and watch grow.  I want a baby that grows up here, not just in heaven.
     Last Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, I was hanging out with my BIL and soon to be SIL. My SIL, Rach informed me that her other SIL had found out that morning that she was pregnant.  Now, don't get me wrong- I was so happy for this girl, Megan.  Her and I had actually spoken a few weeks back and she mentioned that she was going to start trying for her second that month.  But, for me- it was just too much.  There are so many pregnant people in my life!  In fact, my best friend just gave birth to her first little girl a week ago.  I just wanted to join the preggers team, ya know.  So, although I was happy for her, I also felt some jealously and just sadness over my own situation of still not being pregnant.  See, that morning I too had taken a test that was negative.  As I was driving back from my BIL's house, I just started crying.  Crying out to God and begging Him that it would be my turn soon.  The wait is just- hard.  When I got home, I went to the bathroom.  I glanced over and the test I had taken earlier that morning appeared to be positive!!!!  I didn't want to get my hopes up- because I know- you aren't supposed to read tests that far after the fact.  So, after waking my husband up and asking him if he thought there was a positive line (which he did think there was), I tried to be calm and go to bed for the night.  Right when I woke up, Thanksgiving morning, I took a test of course!  And...you guessed it!  POSITIVE!  Now, this was several days before my missed period- but I have now taken several tests and they are all positive!  I AM SO THANKFUL!!!
     If that wasn't enough to encourage you that there is hope and God is amazing and has a great plan- there is more.  If you have read about my story with Achazia, you might know that she passed into the Father's arms last year on the day before Thanksgiving!  So it was an incredible statement of redemption to my heart to finally get that positive test the day before Thanksgiving this year!
     I am going to get blood work done and see my doctor hopefully tomorrow (Monday) as the office was closed because of the holiday on Thursday and Friday.  So, please pray for me and my sweet baby!  I feel like God is holding my hand through this all- but I know that I am going to feel some anxiety about ultrasounds- as the last ultrasound I had was one of the worst days of my life when we found no heartbeat.  So, please pray for peace- I know God has great plans and is in control.  I am just spending my time dwelling on His promises and His goodness!  Hugs to you cyber friends!  I hope you feel more hope for your own situation!

Walking Through Sadness

       I know.  It's been awhile.  I'm sorry!  I really do feel called to this blog.  I know there are other wonderful women out there that can relate to what I have gone and am going through . . . or have gone through much worse than I can imagine.  I know God has asked me to walk this road with you.  My absence has simply been my inability to face this blog emotionally.  I have really been struggling with sadness.  I have been struggling with such a deep desire to be pregnant - and discouragement with all the negative pregnancy tests.  I have watched some friends have 3 and 4 babies in the time that I have been waiting for one living baby to make it to my arms.  I know.  I can't complain.  Really, I am blessed with three healthy boys that I love so very much- I know there are so many out there that are still waiting for their first.  Even though I know I am blessed, I have a deep ache inside of me that just wants to hold that baby.  I desperately miss my Achazia.  I struggle when my boys ask about their sister . . .  and about when God will give us another baby.  The Bible says, hope deferred makes the heart sick.  Some days I feel like I am holding onto hope with dear life.  I trust God.  I trust that there are more babies in my future.  But the process.  Wow.  That has been EXHAUSTING.  A wise mentor in my life recently told me that God wanted me to not be so focused on getting pregnant that I forget to enjoy the process of getting pregnant.  Those are some wise words- hard to put into practice when you're just barely hanging on- but wise nonetheless.

      The one year birth date of my AJ into heaven is fast approaching.  I'm going to need a lot of God's grace to hold it together.  I'm sure no one but me will even remember the date, but I am going to have a birthday party for her with my little family.  I'm sure her party in heaven is much cooler than anything I can muster up, but I just want to spend some time remembering her. . . I want her brothers to remember her.  Ironically, the hospital where I had my D & C  sent out invitations for a memorial service for all the babies lost in the last year.  That service is to take place on the one year anniversary of me finding out that I had lost her.  Dec. 5th.  I really don't like that day!  I have had a number of BAD Dec. 5ths in my life!  Hopefully, this service will make this Dec. 5th a little more bearable- there will be families there who have been walking the same road this past year.  I think having people that understand and are crying along with you can be healing.

       So, what is really on my mind right now? Twins.  I know, random change of topic.  But, I have been praying for twins since I was a young girl- I just have always wanted twins.  I don't know if God will answer my prayer in that area this time around- but I am hopeful.  The word I got recently was "double for my trouble"- man- I know that I will be insanely excited when I do get pregnant- with 1 or more- but it really would be such a miracle I might pee my pants if I did get twins- and that peeing my pants wouldn't just be from pregnancy, lol.  There have been so many dreams, words etc.  I just think I would be so in awe of God.  Really, any baby puts me in awe of God.  But twins for us?!  I can't accurately describe the road we've walked- how much we have fought and believed for them.  Twins would really blow me away.  A positive test right now would really blow me away!

      Okay, so I don't know that this post helped anyone else out there in the blogosphere- it did help me to just empty out my heart a bit.  So, now you know where I am right now- and you can join me in praying for me to enjoy the process of getting pregnant- and of course- pray that I get pregnant- soon (with TWINS:)!

      I am praying for you right now too!  If you are reading this- there is a good chance you have walked this road or know someone who has.  Sending you hugs and God's love.  Praying that God will fill your heart and we will all know that God really is enough . . . and that His grace is abundant and sufficient!

      Love to you :)

A Day Is Like A Thousand Years, A Thousand Years Is Like a Day

    Today was one of those days . . . those God moments.  I have been so sad the last few days.  I went into a Hallmark store to get a bigger sized bracelet for my Achazia charms.  When I was there, I felt a need to share with the girl helping me about the meaning behind each of my beads.  (They tell the story of my sweet Achazia.)  When I got to my #1 bead, I broke down and started crying.  That one always gets me . . . I don't know why.  I have a #1 on my bracelet to remind me of a Word God gave me after my baby went to heaven.  There is a verse in the Bible that talks about time in heaven . . . and how one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day.  A couple different people separately gave me that Word . . . that for Achazia . . . it is just one day she is waiting for me . . . she will see me tomorrow.  Just writing that brings peace to my heart.  Anyways, I didn't do the perfect job sharing God's greatness with this girl looking back.  My words . . . well . . . I get tripped up when I talk about Achazia Jean . . . but I am praying God used the conversation anyways!  After I told her everything . . . she said it was beautiful . . . and that she had actually JUST had a miscarriage two months before.  Isn't that just like God?!  LORD, I pray that you would give that sweet young girl healing tonight . . . that she would feel your love and peace . . . and know that her baby is loved and safe.

When The Rest Of The World Has Moved On And You Never Will . . .

      I know.  I have so much more to do to make this blog functional . . . and well, a blessing. That is where I am going.  I need to take the time and type out Achazia's story. I really do. Right now is a moment where I am honestly really struggling and missing her so much. Recently her due date came and passed.  New friends are pregnant.  Other friends have had their babies. I am still here.  No one probably even thinks about or remembers my Achazia except for me.  I am still . . . not pregnant . . . and hoping that I can soon replace this emptiness with the hope of holding a little one in my arms.  I know.  I shouldn't be trying to fill any void in my heart with anything but the healing of Jesus.  I know.  I am just being truthful.  I am not in a good place right now.  I long for that peace . . . that presence . . . I miss my baby.  I REALLY, REALLY miss her.  So, I guess I write this for anyone out there who might actually read this and understand where I am coming from.  Honestly, I could use a hug right now . . . I know I just need to turn to Jesus and get my hug from Him.  In case you are in the same place of hurt, let me encourage you to go to Him too.  It really is time.  Crawl on over to the foot of the cross.  His mercies are new every morning. . . and when . . . you just don't understand.  It just doesn't make sense why your little one is gone . . . He will hold you and rock you in His arms.  He will lovingly play with your hair . . . and tell you He loves you . . . because He DOES!  And.  Well, it's gonna be okay.  It really is.  Right now I don't feel like it is . . . but I know it is.  He is faithful . . . and your little one is loved and safe with Him.


      Our greatest task as mamas is to join the Holy Spirit and raise are kids to know and love God so that they will be with Him in heaven some day.  Well, if you are like me and your baby has gone to heaven way too early . . . you have already completed your greatest mission.  That little one knows and loves Jesus better than you or I do right now . . . and is basking in His glory . . . sitting on His lap . . . and is truly doing just wonderful.


      There is this quote about dancing in the rain.  It goes like this: "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about dancing in the rain."  I'm not sure who said it . . . but it is really true.  So, go grab your galoshes, I'll grab mine . . . and let's DANCE!  Seriously.


      Soon after my AJ passed, my husband had a dream where the LORD showed him two people he knows in real life that have both had extremely difficult lives.  In his dream, God walked him through how each man responded to his circumstances.  One man was in despair and his life was a mess.  The other man, picked himself up by his bootstraps against all odds . . . and kept fighting . . . for life.  God spoke to my husband during his dream explaining how He loved both men and he was not upset with either of them.  He had compassion and understood why they did what they did.  But He was so pleased with the man who kept on fighting.  God was showing my husband . . . He understands the hurt . . . He is not mad about how we respond . . . but we have a choice . . . and He is PLEASED when we choose life.  I can honestly say, in my depressed state . . . I often choose the easier road of wallowing in my despair.  I need someone stronger . . . Jesus perhaps . . . to lift me up and help me choose life right now . . . help me to dance.  Will you pray for me?


       I am praying for you . . . if you are reading this . . . I am praying that you will also reach down within yourself and find the courage to turn to Jesus and dance in this storm.  Much love to you . . . and if you have gotten this far in my ramblings . . . please check out this post on my other blog.  It tells a little bit of Achazia Jean's story.  I will someday fill in the whole story . . . it really is incredible . . . but until I have that in me . . . hopefully this little bit will encourage you friend.

It Must Have Been My Fault

    "It wasn't your fault."  That is just what I needed to hear- maybe you do too?  I know everything out there says this.  It isn't your fault.  I've read the miscarriage help websites.  Really, I have.  I wanted to believe it.  Unfortunately, a painful lie like that took more than just other people telling me it wasn't my fault.  No matter how much I have read or reasoned . . . there was still this nagging thought in my heart.  "I must have caused this.  Maybe God didn't think I was a good enough mom to deserve another child?  Maybe I sinned one too many times, and this was my punishment?  Maybe I took a medication I shouldn't have or ate something that did this to my baby?"  So many different thoughts.  So many different possibilities.  There MUST be a reason this happened . . . and I must be that reason.  Thank God that He can speak Truth into those dark places in my heart . . . and heal the brokenness there.  It has been 7 months since Achazia died . . . and I refuse to feel that guilt any longer.  I didn't speak about this guilt out loud . . . and God spoke to a friend about my hurt in this area.  It was crazy!  When he spoke about how God had shown him that I was blaming myself, my heart melted.  How did he know this?  My friend only knew because God knows everything.  I recognized it was a Word from the LORD simply because there is no way that my friend could have known those deep secrets of my heart.  Him speaking about it as a lie immediately healed me from the pain in my heart that was holding onto the idea that I did this to Achazia.  It was not my fault.  It is not your fault.
       Shortly after I lost Achazia, I discovered that her name not only meant "The LORD holds" but in some places it is translated as "The LORD has taken."  Who would have thought!?  I didn't know this when I named her . . . but her name fits her even better than I originally knew.  God is the one who took her.  Satan cannot take a life if God does not allow it.  God is ultimately in charge.  He gives and takes away- Blessed be His name!  I don't understand the whys of why God decided my Achazia needed to grow up in heaven instead of here.  But I do know the God behind it all.  He works ALL to the good of those who love Him.  It must have been what was best for her . . . and for me.  I WILL be changed from this.  I WILL grow closer to Him.  I WILL trust that He knows best.  I will.  I just have to . . . because I know there is no other good way.  So, trust that God is in control.  Never doubt God's love for you.  Never doubt that He has a plan- and it is a good one.  And let go of guilt if you are holding onto it.  Give it to Jesus.  He died for all of that stuff anyways.  No reason to keep it.